Brunette Mess's Journal

06

Mar 2010
4:23 PM EST

Sweet Summertime

Life has been way too crazy and stressful lately. So at the end of April, I will be unemployed. I tried the whole 'working full-time AND going to graduate school' thing, but it ended up being too much. I feel that I am missing out on the most important schooling of my life by working at a job I don't particularly enjoy.

Ok, on to the main reason for this blog. I want to make some changes this summer. Here is the list of things I want to accomplish this summer:

1.) Work out - I've tried, but during the semester I have zero time to exercise. I really only gained a few pounds, but I want to feel healthier. My plan is to begin running, as far as I can. I'll just build from there. I hope to get up to at least 10 miles.

2.) Be more social - Currently, the last thing I want to do on the weekends is to go out and be social. Usually I just want to catch up on my sleep...and then study.� I want to go out on weekdays and meet my friends at fun places in Dallas.

3.) Join a sports team - Since I won't have much going on this summer, I want to play in an intramural league. Great way to meet people and to stay active.

4.) Spend more time with my puppy - I adopted a 2 year old black lab back in October. He is one active lab and he is always wanting to play. I feel guilty because I am usually way to busy or too tired to play. I want to spend more quality time with him.

5.) Summer school - Since I have to take summer school, I want to make the best of it. I want to actually get a feel for UTA. I want to venture around campus and see what there is to see. Currently I go to class and leave. Since I will have an advanced degree from this school, I really want to know campus.

6.) Grow out my hair - This may sound lame, but I want to spend this summer relaxing and waiting for my hair to grow. I want it looooooooong!

7.) Practice my photography - I just bought a Canon Rebel and I really excited to play with it. Hopefully I can spend this summer taking lots of pictures.

8.) RELAX - Haven't had much time to relax and figure out what's important to me. Laying out by the pool, leisure walks with my puppy, sipping' ice tea on my porch, etc. Can't wait for all of this stress to be lifting off my shoulders.

Well, that's quite a list, but I think everything is pretty do-able. I'm ready for you Summer! Bring it!

29

Mar 2008
7:35 PM EST

My Everything

I strongly believe that before I start looking for "the one", I need to figure out what I want in a man. I want a guy that finds it sexy when I spit out random sports facts. A guy that thinks of me more that just one of the guys. Someone who will take care of me and will be my rock. A guy who is strong and only shows his emotions when necessary. He must be tall and won't mind that my hands sweat when I am nervous. A guy that will spend all day outside with our children, even when he is tried from a long day at work. Someone who thinks I am perfect just the way I am now. A man who can laugh with me when I am in a giggly mood & can sympathize with me when I am down. A man who will love me unconditionally, no matter what.

Hopefully you are out there somewhere. I will wait as long as it takes....

30

Nov 2007
8:21 PM EST

I can't remember the last time I was truely happy. I think I'm just one of those people that doesn't get a story book ending and remains alone and miserable their whole life. And the sad part is that I'm only20 years old. Life is just so damn hard. I can't seem to do anything right. My life is just one big mess.Scratch that, I'm just one big mess. And I've tried so many times to 'create my own happiness', but I just don't have it in me. I think I was born without the capablilityto be happy. It must have skipped over me. This is what my life has come to, and I don't see it getting better anytime soon.

12

Sep 2007
4:29 PM EST

It's been far too long since I have posted anything. My summer sucked and I miss being home with my Mom. Now I'm back in Stillwater starting my junior year at State. I'm a month into the semester and I'm already stressing. I pray I can make it through with decent grades since I have to appy to grad school next Fall. I don't really like any of my classes, which isn't a good thing considering they are mostly classes that involve my major. I guess I just need some guidence cause I'm doubting if I should be a social woker. I need a sign, something to show me that this is what I was meant to do in life. I guess I need a little picker-upper, something to put everything I have been doing for the past two years in perspective. Not really much to report on...except the guy that I have liked for over year (the one I mentioned in my last post) is moving to Michigan. So I have accepted the fact that we are just friends. I don't really have time for a boyfriend right now. I need to focus on myself. It's been a long week and it's about to get even longer. I need a quote or advice from someone, just something to keep me motivated. Cause life is starting to wear on me, and I'm too young to be hopeless.....

01

Mar 2007
8:01 PM EST

I'm really sad that noone had any advice for my last post...because I'm a mess! I don't know what to do anymore, I thought I had everything under control but now I can't even sleep because I'm thinking about him. It's really tearing me up inside because I don't know what to do: keep my mouth shut and just be friends with him or tell him and hope for the best. I'm pretty sure he'll turn me down, but at least he'll know and I won't have to carry this huge weight around. I have never felt this way about anyone before and I hate myself for falling for him but I just can't help it. I could really use some advice right about now....

26

Feb 2007
6:56 PM EST

Ok, so lets say that you like someone. They are always on your mind and you want to be with them. But all of these factors keep getting in your way, like: they like someone else, or distance, or you don't want to ruin the friendship you two have created. So do you tell them how you feel or do you bury all of your feelings and try to move on? In fear of making it awkward between the two of you, you might consider not telling them. On the other hand, it's good to be honest and it would be a huge weight lifted off your chest. I mean, even if they don't reciprocate your affection, don't people like hearing that someone cares about them? If you just go on living without telling them, you could save yourself from embarrassment, at least they would still be in your life as a friend because that's better than nothing. So what do you do?

I'm a complete mess.....

Someone help me. Please.

12

Feb 2007
7:25 PM EST

Things are finally how they should be. I have amazing friends that I have the best time with, my family is always there for me, and then there's the boy. Now, he's not my boyfriend, we are just friends. I just really needed someone like him in my life, then out of nowhere, he appears. He's a great guy and really cares about me. I know I gave up guys SO we are just friends and that is perfectly ok with me. Now that I think everything is going good in my life, I am just waiting for it to all come crumbling down on me. I am just waiting for that moment when my life turns to s*** again, so I am cherishing every happy moment I have left. I will end with a quote that describes how I am feeling: Happiness comes in many forms. In the company of good friends. In the feeling that you get when you make someone elses dream come true. Or in the promise of hope renewed. It's okay to let yourself be happy. Because you never know how fleeting that happiness might be...

28

Jan 2007
1:14 PM EST

How do you decide your future? How do you pick which route to take? How do you know if the one you pick is the right choice? I need some answers! How do you make the biggest decision of your life? I keep going back and forth and I still have no clue! God I wish someone would tell me what to do and tell me that everything is going to work out. I mean, what if I make the wrong choice and I miss my fate, the life that was intended for me? I really want to go up east, but I don't know if I have what it takes to move 2,000 miles away from everything I've ever known!?! I've heard that you make decisions with your heart, but what do you do if your heart has been broken in a million little pieces? So I guess I have nothing to go by...I'm screwed! If anyone who is reading this lives or has been to any of the places I plan on moving too, your input would be greatly appreicated. The list is: Boston, Baltimore, Chapel Hill, Kansas City, & Austin. Anything, and I mean anything, you have to say will help. Thank God I still have 6 months to decide!

1 comment(s) - 06:26 PM - 01/28/2007

25

Jan 2007
6:09 PM EST

Ok...I admit it, I'm LONELY! I hate being alone, it's the worst possible feeling in the whole world. I mean it awful! I wish there was just someone, just ONE person that will make me change my whole outlook on life and love. Right now I'm not sure if 'true love' even exists, I mean how sad is that? I don't even believe in love! I'm only 20 and I am so cynical. I just know that all of my friends are going to get married, have children, and be happy & I will be left to grow old by myself. I want one boy to change my mind and show me that there not all the same. I mean I have been in relationships before, but they have all been in high school and didn't really mean anything. And all of the guys I've dated in college screwed me over big time. So I know that relationships are hard, but that's because the only thing harder is being alone...

1 comment(s) - 08:45 PM - 01/28/2007

15

Jan 2007
5:48 PM EST

I am so bored with my life. Everything is so predictable, I could just scream. Seriously, I could tell you exactly what is going to happen in a month from now. I just wish I somehow knew how to mix things up. I am so sick of school and this town and my friends...I really need to get out of here. I feel like I am just watching my life pass me by. I am 20 years old, I should be leading some exciting, random, crazy life, but that is simply not the case. I am sick of being in this house with my two boring roommates who are perfectly content staying at home watching MTV on a Saturday night! I want to get out and meet new people and have fun experiences. I don't want to be here complaining on an online journal to people I don't even know! Gosh, I would give anything for a little drama! I never thought I would ask for drama in my life (since I went through enough in high school), but somethings gotta give! I mean something's gotta give me butterflies! I need something to make me feel alive! Something's gotta give me dreams at night! And something's gotta make me feel alright! I don't know where it is....but something's gotta give!

14

Jan 2007
7:24 PM EST

I am currently snowed in my house and I have been since Friday moring. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, I have alot of time to think. It seems like everyone around me is so sure of themselves and knows exactly what they want. I, on the other hand, have no clue who I am or what I want out of this life. I feel so alone and I don't think anyone out there feels the way I do. I wake up, go to school, come home, go to bed, and start it all over. I am in some sort of a rut. And as much as I hate to admit it, I am lonely. God, the word 'lonely' is like a four letter word in my mind. A few months ago I vowed to give up boys, but now I would give anything for the slighest reaction from a boy. God, I hate myself for saying this, but I feel like such an outcast from society because I am single, and not even close to a relationship. I am in college and it is so much pressure because according to society, you find your soul mate in college....Talk about pressure! If I don't love myself, then how can I love someone else? It's like you dream about the life you want instead of going out in the world and living it. Gosh,I need to get out of this town.....

12

Dec 2006
8:04 AM EST

Do you ever feel like you are never good enough?! Sometimes I think that I constantly feel this way. It seems that no matter what I accomplish or how hard I bust my ass for something, noone ever notices. It doesn't help any that I am the youngest of three and my older brother & sister are both so damn perfect. My sister graduated with honors from OU with a masters in accountancy and now she has a new apartment in an upscale part of Dallas. My brother is a senior at OSU who will graduate with honors and is already a sucessful and well recognized basketball coach. And what am I? I am a sophmore at OSU who has never made the honor roll and gets left in the background. I swear when all of us children are home all my parents want to talk about is my sister's new job, or about her living in Dallas, or about my brother graduating, or how great of a basketball coach he is. I mine as well not even exist!?! I swear, I would never want anyone feel the way I do when I am around my family, not even my worst enemies. And I am busting my ass off right now trying to ace all 5 of my finals and all my mother has to say to me on the phone is "so are you going to make 5 A's?" NO, I'm not! I am going to make 4 A's and 1 B, but that is NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting because I am stressed about finals and I am about to start my period, but there's got to be more to life than feeling like this all of the time.... PS: I still haven't had a sip of alcohol!

2 comment(s) - 02:02 PM - 12/13/2006

08

Dec 2006
6:25 PM EST

I finally saw someone for who they really are today. This girl who claims to be my friend has never really acted like a friend towards me. I have held her hand while she was sad and I listened whenever she needed to talk, but she has never once tried to do that for me. All she talks about is herself and she is such a hypocrite. When I needed her the most (aka when my cousins got in a huge car wreck and I was sad about not spending Christmas with my mother because she was in Houston getting treatment for her breast cancer) all she could talk about was the little fight she had with her boyfriend. The only reason it has taken me this long to call this person out, is because to your face she is the nicest person in the world, but she talks about you when you leave and she doesn't know the true meaning of the word "friend". Oh, did I mention the fact she uses me to get to my older brother and his apparently good looking roommates? Ya, well everytime she invites me to do something wiht her and her roommate, she ALWAYS tells me to call my brother and ask if they want to come. This happens all the time and I am sick of it. And she must always comment to me how 'hot' and 'cute' they are. I wish I could tell her that they don't like her...cause they don't!! They have told me so; they say she is pathetic! And if she wants to hang out with them, she can call them her God damn self. I thought I left all this drama when I left high school, but I guess not. I really don't need another person in my life that is constantly going to screw me over, so I am so done with this person... In other news, I got to spend quality time with my roommate and best friend Natalie. She is such a good friend and is always there for me. We had so much fun making cupcakes and watching Pirates of the Carribean 2! I just wish this next week would be over, I'm so ready for a break from all of this!

1 comment(s) - 09:46 AM - 12/12/2006

06

Dec 2006
5:46 PM EST

I have been three days on my plan and things have been going well. I did get invited to two parties already, but I declined them both. I was pretty proud of myself. Things have been crazy because of finals and Christmas and the roadtrip I am going on to Shreveport. But I have come to realized that I have a pretty good life. I have a bright future (with my 3.5 GPA!), a great support system (in my family and friends), and good health. Ya, I mean, there are times where I am feeling sad and sorry for myself, but with all of the things I have been through, I now know that I can make it through almost anything. I am a confident, strong, intellegent woman, but I tend to forget it, and that's a shame. I have become so cynical about life and love because of my past experiences, but there is still a part of me that believes in true happiness and true love. I just wish that girl could come back.

04

Dec 2006
7:25 PM EST

Ok, so this is my first day on my new "abstinence plan". I am abstaining from all alcohol, drugs (which I have never done before), and men. I recently got totally trashed at my birthday party this weekend and made one too many errors in judgement. I don't like this feeling of being embarrassed of what I did the night before. So I am giving it all up, for a whole year. The thing that makes me mad is that everyone thinks I can't do this, which I know in my heart I can. I know I can, but people just laugh and say "yeah right". I think I will gain alot of strength that I never knew I had by doing this. I don't need alcohol to have a good time and I definitely don't need a man in my life to feel complete. I don't like the person I have become, so I am doing something to change it. Let me just clear up that I am not a whore, I'm just sick of worrying about finding a boyfriend (cause it seems that everyone around me has a significant other) and I am not an alcoholic, I just sometime don't know when to stop. So this is my decleration of abstinence!! Day 1 had been good, only 365 more :)

Brunette Mess's Profile

Username: Brunette Mess

Gender / Age: Female, 38

Location: USA - Texas

BRUNETTE MESS's Interests:

About Me: I am just a normal college student who is just trying to enjoy life and is making a few mistakes along the way.

Interests: Roadtrips, reading, sports (college football), beading, thrift store shopping, HOMER the dog, coffee shops, College Game Day, good music, snowboarding, ESPN.com, hanging with the siblings, being a STARS fan (love it!) and making the long drive home to TEXAS.